CHICAGO, IL — Say what you will about Kamala Harris, but she’s trying everything she knows to solve this border crisis. She is still reportedly still diligently searching for the right person to sleep with to fix this issue.
On Friday, she checked out Chicago’s affluent suburbs, stopping at bakeries, nail salons and boutiques.
“Hey, can anyone help me with this little problem down south?” she asked while getting a pedicure. “It might be worth some sugar!” she said, trying to wink and finally falling out of her chair.
“We’ve never seen a politician work so hard,” said a White House aide. “Some of us were skeptical about their approach, but this is their tried and tested method. Look how far she’s come.”
After failing to find a capable man to solve her border crisis, Harris asked to be taken to the top of the Sears Tower. Once at the top, she asked for a megaphone and “a wide berth”. Soon, most of Illinois was being showered with the sound of their signature cackle.
“And now we wait,” she whispered confidently to her staff.
Update: As usual, their cackle only spawned Anthony Weiner and Jesse Smollett.
“Unfortunately, it’s ridiculous to think that these guys are going to solve America’s problems in exchange for sex,” said a discouraged Harris. “Believe me, I’ve tried.”
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