WASHINGTON, DC – In a play designed to prove he’s anything but “Sleepy Joe,” Joe Biden has signed an endorsement deal with 4-Minute Energy. Not only will the former VP have an extra $2,000 in his pocket, but he also plans to bring a 50-pack to his next public appearance so he can leave it to Donald Trump.
“Well, here’s the deal. When that bully starts commenting on my… lack of… huh? Waaaa?” Biden attempted to say before a helper poured another delicious citrus-lime 4-Minute Energy into his mouth. “TRUMP IS A RASIST!” he yelled before passing out.
For years, little-known company 4-Minute Energy has struggled with uncertainty and depression after rival 5-Hour Energy rose to become an industry leader.
“Yes, never speak to her [explicit]-JE! Sure they could last longer, but we now have America’s symbol of endurance – Joe [explicit] Biden!” her CEO twitched The Glorious American when he reflexively smashed another 4 Minute Energy Bottle.
After the President landed as speaker, the entire crew of 4-Minute Energy held an energetic celebration that lasted about four minutes.
Update: Hunter Biden has then arrived, rejuvenating the sluggish corporate party with a different kind of energizer. “WHAT’S THIS [explicit]?!” yelled the CEO while somehow clinging to the wall with his bare hands. “WE HAVE TO USE IT!”
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