PORTLAND, OR — On Monday, the city of Portland announced that it would introduce a slightly crappy replica of itself just outside the city limits.
“We have acquired a large, family friendly suburb of Beaverton that will soon be known as Portland+. But don’t worry, we’re giving people what they want: an exact replica of Portland!” Mayor Ted Wheeler reassures. “Right, every single one of our laws will also migrate. This is going to be easy because remember we got rid of all those? And get that – that extra rose town only costs 5.99% more property taxes per month!”
When City Hall staff heard the news, they were so excited that champagne and hypodermic needles were blown up with joy.
Just when it seemed public sector folks couldn’t get ecstatic anymore, the mayor pointed to a big screen and explained that a high-profile “sex icon” would soon be zooming in to speak.
In a flash, Chris Wallace’s large, turtle-like face appeared on screen and the crowd went wild.
“Well, hello, gang!” he said over the cheers. “I just wanted to be the first to tell you that I have decided to MOVE TO PORTLAND+ after gathering all the wisdom I have in my brain! It will probably be the best and most enduring city ever!”
Update: All Beaverton residents had guns, resulting in Portland+ being dismantled in less than eight minutes. Wallace, who somehow managed to sell his house in that small window of opportunity, is now taking shelter in a Jiffy Lube’s waiting room.
Give us ideas for stories